all things go

like a riot, like a riot, oh!

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 20:15:53 GMT

I woke up extremely cheerful today! I got out of bed and blared Phoenix than went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen, put the kettle on and decided I'm going to remain cheerful for the rest of the day :] Samm called me and asked me if I wanted to come over, Matt just got home today so she's playing nurse for the next three months. she was like "we can go for a walk, do you want to go for a walk? I want to go for a walk." I think she realizes how homebound she might be for the next little while and is trying to get out while she still has time to lol, poor girl, poor Matt.
Jacki is supposed to call me after she's done school, depending on how much homework she has, I really want to see her. if I don't it's no biggie though because she'll be done school in a few days and then I can see her all I want!
I also asked K. Marchand if he wanted to have a catch up session today but that wouldn't be happening til like 7, he said he has no gas and he thinks Nancy's giving him some around 7. I was thinking about it the other day when I started talking to him about how there was a short time span where he and I were kind of close and how much fun I have around him.
Sam Saby and I were also supposed to hangout today I think hahaha. I haven't heard from her yet, she said something about after 3:15 because she'd be working. but as it stands I'm not doing anything today because these are all just ideas.
speaking of good fucking ideas, Ryan V and I are discussing operation slumber party. I can't tell if he's serious about the whole thing but he seems pretty serious, I think it would be fun. he helped me a lot lastnight, he's really easy to talk to so I don't think there would be that "we barely know each other and there's nothing to say" silence. and he already said if there was he would do something outrageous to break the silence, hahaha.
I just want to get out of the house, laugh until it hurts a little bit. it looks like it's going to rain, hmmmm. go figure - the day I decide to meander around Windsor on foot the weather looks shitty hahaha.
LIP BALM <3

2:30

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 06:30:12 GMT

why did I have to say anything?
I love where things are right now but I just had all this built up energy about it inside and had to let it out.
Ryan Vizner is a saint, btw.

everything goes to the beat

Mon, 20 Jul 2009 19:54:28 GMT

I knew I should have slept in today, I thought I was going down to City Hall with my mom but looks like it's just another one of those things that never get done that needs to. I'm slowly getting ready and waiting for John to wake up, I've been talking to Ryan V all afternoon cause he's waiting too lol. we talked about ambushing John but he's lazy and "doesn't walk" so god only knows...
I'm tired and bored, my mom's being a bitch today. she's been like nagging at me for everythin + anything she can, than my sister comes over and she complains to her about me as if she cares. ftw, my eyes are itchy.
lastnight was priiiiime!
Sam and I drove around, got coffee, had a hat party, laughed til it hurt, met up with John, then I came home, met up with Brett, drove to the river, sat in his truck and laughed til it hurt, realized it was almost 4:30, came home, took over each other's facebook walls continuing the joke that was already taken too far, fell asleep. :]
my stomache has been acting weird for the past two days, I thought it was just the coffee in the mornings but it was soo bad yesterday so I slept the day away + it continued today. I feel like my insides are rotting or something.
I need to finish getting ready and stay away from my mom, hopefully John will turn up soon and I'll know what to do with my day.

my body's 21 but my mind is ageless

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 17:32:52 GMT

my stomache is so ass backwards! I think I should stop eating pizza pops or something, maybe it's the coffee. who knows?
it's really nice out today, I want to do something outside but I haven't made any plans yet. and then the nautious part of me just wants to stay in and watch movies or something, hmmmmmmmmm. I guess if I'm feeling better I'll go outside...
I had the worst sleep in the world lastnight, I tried to go to bed starting at about 1AM and didn't end up sleeping til somewhere between 4 and five. than waking up around 10 give the house a once over, fml I feel like shit :(
I think I might go back to bed for a little bit, I want to do something today ughhh. maybe I'll get lucky and someone will call me and wake me up being all "let's hangout"

waking up to the green of your eyes is something I'll get used to

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 05:04:16 GMT

I am so happy with everything right now. it's weird how the most unexpected thing happends and suddenly everything feels okay, this is so easy and simple.
Peter called me again today, he started off talking to me on MSN. he asked me if he could pick me up from the airport when I got back, loooool. too bad I'm not coming back and even if I was he wouldn't be picking me up, it escalated into a "we can fix this" conversation and I told him I moved on + he should too. then he called me back one more time but I didn't answer so he came on MSN saying "he needed to say something to me over the phone before we never talk again" so I told him to call + it was just more "we can fix this", I had to get a little harsh but I got my point across so.
ugh I really don't want to fall asleep alone in the house lol, it makes me feel so freaked out that there isn't anyone here but me... fuck you, Metro.
I can't stop thinking about lastnight, now I'll never fall asleep.

on a lighter note the house is clean + the laundry is done :) and Brett came over earlier, he wasn't going to because he needed to study so I told him he could come here and do it while I cleaned. so he did but I ended up finishing cleaning + bothering him, eventually he got really frustrated with studying so we drove to Russel Woods, around Belle River, back to the West end, stopped at Dragons Inn so he could get hot and spicy soup - which he totally conned me into trying when I didn't want to at all. I ended up burning the shit out of my throat and he finished it lol.
my chest and head are killing me :( I just want to go to sleeeeeeeeeeeep.

flesh is flesh

Sat, 18 Jul 2009 22:49:12 GMT

lastnight fucking ruled.

"you have such a beautiful body, why would you waste it on me?"

I don't wanna waste yooourrr tiimeeeeeee

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 17:46:17 GMT

I am so tired! I went to sleep around 5AM + set my alarm for around 11:30! I want to clean and do my laundry, etc. make sure the house isn't too messy so I don't have to clean so much on Saturday or Sunday. I could be extremely hungover Saturday morning and then it's off to Char's to help her set up then her house all night and I don't know what time my parents are coming home Sunday.
although it's been two hours and the only thing I've done is put a bag in the garbage pale and fill the sink up with soapy water loooooool, too tired for life. I need to eat something, my stomache feels terrible.
I'm stoked for the next few days, BFF aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaall weekend :D!
I get my ID applications on Monday (finally), I want to be a real person again :(

note to self:
olivia + michelle
ditty
josh
nate
john
kelvin
jacki
brett

fuck my brain!
I need to clean my room so bad, get all the fruit flies out hahaha. alright at 2 I will eat something + get started before the parents get home, even though they're probably going to make a mess packing.
gut rot <3

rant

Fri, 17 Jul 2009 08:18:27 GMT

NOTE: these are not to start drama or ruin any present friendships, if you can't take a little bit of truth don't even bother scrolling down to see if you're mentioned. and don't reply if you have the slightest hint it's about you because if you don't know for sure than you're either a) self righteous or b) a fucking retard. don't reply with an immature comeback either because I'm not going to waste my time getting into it with you, I'm going to say what I think regardless.

1. I feel like such an idiot for letting myself believe in you so much, you have affected my life more than I thought was possible. I'm realizing the realities between you and I + I can promise you it won't happen again. you might be okay with a 90:10 relationship but I'm not, cyaaa.

2. fight for you? I don't know who you thought I was but I'm not about to get on my knees and beg, you've manipulated me and made me think there was something wrong with my morals, values, etc. but when I stop to think about it you're the more insecure and needy one out of the two of us so who should really be doing some self evaluating? I'm sorry I don't have the most boring lifestyle in the world or want to be tied down before I do the things I really want in life, I'm sorry I have a strong sense of who I am and don't want to change to best fit your needs. oh wait, no I'm not.

3. I really hope you know what you're doing because I can't stand to see you hurt like that and I hope you're taking a little bit of what I'm saying into consideration because as much as it doesn't seem like it half the time, I know what I'm talking about when it comes to some things. no matter what happends I'll be here for you.

4. I owe you a huge apology, you deserve so much more in a friend and I am constantly taking you for granted. we've had so many good times together, we have good talks and I really value your perspective yet I can't bring myself to make this work. I haven't been the same since I came home but I want you to know that everything we've shared together hasn't been forgotten and that I really appreciate you as a person. I'm going to smack some sense into myself and hopefully I haven't fucked this up too bad so we can pick up where we left off.

5. you are basically my entire world, I could go on for days as to why you mean so much to me. I really dislike what you're going through right now, mostly because everyone else is being a douchebag but it's affecting the way you see yourself and giving you a complex. I wish that for a day you and I could switch brains so you could see yourself like I do and see that you have no reason to feel anything like you do now. you're honestly one of a kind, did you ever stop to think that maybe there's a reason why I let all my friendships slip without effort but I've been doing everything I possibly can to keep you in my life for the past five years? it should say a little bit about the kind of person you are, I'm staying here because of you. you know how I feel about this town + that there's not much here for me but I've never felt so compelled to stick with something/someone like I do about you. I wish I could take back all the shitty things I did to you in the past but won't get into it for obvious reasons, you're my bestfriend in the entire world and I don't know what I would do if I lost that.

6. you are probably the biggest piece of shit I know. I find it extremely humorous that you think you have everyone fooled but everyone outside of your little fanbase can see right through you, everything you say, everything you do is fake and transperant. I don't understand how you can live with yourself doing the things you do to people, while playing the victim, I hope during your last few moments on this earth you feel really satisfied about the way you treated people and realize how you'll be remembered.

7. you in one word: hypocrite. everything you say you aren't doing you really are, you associated yourself with one hell of a group. I guess I expected it from all of them but not you, you're usually the one to rise above and be 'neutral' but instead you've went from having your own opinion to being persuaded and following everyone else. do whatever you need to do to survive though right? I'm not sure what it was that did it inparticular but you've become so two faced and unloyal. I guess I'm the foolish one for thinking that maybe you grew up a little bit with everything that you've experienced in the past little while but I guess you were right when you said "we adjust to the city we're in", only I didn't because I am not the city I live in or the people I live with. I'm who I decide to be and atleast when I'm in a shitty situation where I don't have much I'll have that which is more than you can say right now.

8. I really want to hangout more now that I'm home, the one day that we did was just like old times and I was afraid things would be different. I love just sitting and talking about everything with you, most of the time our problems are exactly the same which helps so much. I'm hoping that when you're done school and aren't so busy we can get back to normal and spend more time together, especially now that neither of us are in relationships we can make up for lost time. I'm so proud of you for turning your life around like you have, I just wanted you to know that :).

9. I miss you soooo much, it sucks that we were becoming closer friends toward me leaving. it was so refreshing to talk to someone so different as me yet so alike at the same time, you've always been able to give me a fresh perspective which did the trick more times than I can thank you for. I hope sometime in the future we can go back to that because you seem like a lifer to me.

10. I'm so sorry for leaving you but as unhappy as I am here I just can't seem to tear myself away. life definately isn't the same without you but I'm at a really confusing place in my life right now and I don't think I can handle another move, a new city right now would just add on to the bajillion things I've been contemplating lately. well not so much a new city but you get me. . . I just need to be here and be stable for a little while, gain some perspective, improve myself and then I'll be back and better than ever. I know things suck without me (because I rule, most a ly) but you know our friendship isn't going anywhere anytime soon aka ever and we'll be okay.

11. you guys are awesome! I keep asking myself why I was introduced to you so late and why we don't spend more time together but I can never think of an answer, we're not too big on family which I'm sure you know but you guys are the best. now that I'm home I definately want to see you more often!

12. I know you feel unappreciated a lot but I acknowledge everything you do for me, I'm just going through a lot right now and I don't bother talking to you because you always give your opinion when sometimes all I want you to do is listen. plus the things I worry about are sometimes not important to you but they are to me and I feel like you're constantly judging me so I don't bother saying anything. I know I'm not the most goal oriented or together nineteen year old in the world but I'm trying and most of the time I feel like you don't see that + no matter what I do it will always be "you're not trying hard enough" or that it won't ever be enough. I can't help but wonder if what I'm doing isn't right because I should be focusing on something else or because it's not what you want me to be doing, I'm not you or like you at all and sometimes I want that to be a positive thing and not a negative. I like that we're different because I feel like that's what we have to offer one another, I think it's refreshing and it gives us a balance. I like spending time with you and feeling like I can be myself, I liked the conversations we had when I lived in B.C and I want that closeness here too. and I know you always feel like my friends come before you but you are so important to me, I should probably let you know that more often.

let's call it a comeback

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 21:55:21 GMT

John Kadman is the only man I neeeed.
"did you get a new job or something?"
"if you mean worlds greatest leather daddy then yes."

I don't know why I fight for you this way

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 03:34:14 GMT

I can't wait for this whole break up mode thing to end although I can't help but wonder what I'll be like afterward, I find that after a break up I change a little bit.
I don't even want a relationship, I just want someone I can cuddle with and kiss + say cute things to. just someone to feel something mutual with I guess.
I know everything happends for a reason, yadda yadda yadda but when will something happen that makes sense? and why is it that even though that seems to be true there's never any satisfaction in anything going wrong. if everyone knew that it was 'so right' for things to happen and it would all work out in the end, wouldn't it be a little bit easier to accept?
life is hilarious.
all I want to do is not be alone but still can't help but feel rediculous for being remotely needy towards anyone else.

the first thing I say in the morning is "fuck that shit"

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 04:04:46 GMT

today was fun, John and I decided to go on a 'road trip.' first we were planning on Amhestburg because he mentioned something about an abandoned house but we ended up driving in a circle through Lasalle and then we tried taking the expressway in the opposite direction, somewhere along the line we decided Leamington and stayed there for about ten minutes. it was fun though even if we didn't go anywhere in the city, I love spending time with him.
I can't sleep again, I am wide awake. I don't understand why this is happening, I've never lost sleep over anything before like this. I'm trying to get Brett to come get a tea with me but he's talking to Amy and keeps making me wait, I know he's just going to push it further and further until I hear "I'm really tired."
ugh, I wish I was still with John or lived near him atleast. I know if I was like "green tea?" he'd be all over it lol. we really should've pushed for the whole across the street angle...
tomorrow I have to babysit the kids while my sister gets her tattoo finished, around 3:30. she wants me to come hangout a little earlier but god knows when I'll be sleeping let alone waking up. hate life.
I haven't talked to Kyle in a couple of days, I think that's a good and bad thing. I like being able to talk to him about stuff, sometimes him coming online just makes me smile. it's so weird him not being in Windsor...
me: I can't sleep
Brett: jerk off it works for me
me: are you kidding me? I'm the unhorniest I've ever been in my life
Brett: www.beards.org yeah... I'll give you some time
me: is that a gallery of beards?!
Brett: oh it sure is
ahahahahahaha life made.

..

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:43:44 GMT

so tired

and when you're lying, I hear your heart confess

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 19:08:18 GMT

all nighter break up conversation, takes me waaaay back to grade nine when that was a weekly thing. I can't get over how impossible that was, how impossible you are. how you could even try to manipulate me like that when you're always telling me to watch out for people who do that within my friends, it's funny how out of character someone will be just to keep what they don't want to lose.
this could either be the best choice I've ever made or the biggest mistake, either way...

you know who you are

Sun, 12 Jul 2009 17:49:27 GMT

you know that one person that you can be around for a week straight and still be just as excited to see them in the morning as if you haven't for months? that person that you could literally sit in an empty room with for hours and have the time of your life with? that person that could probably make you laugh right after you found our your mom died? that person that brightens up your day effortlessly? that person who no matter how messed up things may seem in your life, a few hours spent with them it all goes away? that person that you would probably die without?

yeah, that's you.

gotta sink, gotta sink, gotta sink to swim

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 20:24:46 GMT

I had the most terrifying dream lastnight, I think it's up there in my Top 3. yesterday was a lot of fun, John's cake turned out really good. I was nervous it wouldn't because it didn't have eggs in it but it looked and tasted like a normal chocolate cake, yay! after cake we went to the mall + 'got fancy'. John destroyed me at air hockey, I watched him freak out a bunch of teenaged girls, we watched Arrested Development and played Risk (which he destroyed me at aswell), it was a good time. he seemed pretty satisfied with the day and that was my mission so I'm satisfied.
apparantly it's 90 degrees outside, cool. I'm feeling Calgary again, not because Kyle's there jesus, but I wanted to move there before and it's cheaper than Van but you still have mountains and nice scenary. plus I know more people in Calgary :) which is usually nice to have. now all I need to do is get a job and carry on with my plan but instead of Vancouver, make Calgary my destination.
my dad seems to be unhappier everyday, I wish I could help him. he's always just mumbling and swearing to himself about my mom + slamming shit around, etc. he's just all around an unhappy and bitter person, I don't think it's fair. my mom's relatively normal when she's sober but he's just like that sober or drunk, it's sad.
I talked to Peter lastnight and he made me feel really bad, he's having a really shitty week + it seems like I hurt him a lot. he said that he's never been hurt the way he was when I changed my mind about coming back twice and it's going to take him a little while to be over it, his dad's death is coming up too which has got him pretty torn up. I wish I knew what to say to him or help him but I don't, a lot of the time I think I'm just piling onto the stress. it kind of bothers me that he makes me out to be the one in the wrong about everything just for not coming back but he did a lot of shitty things, too. I understand I shouldn't have changed my mind like that and I'd be dissapointed too but it doesn't make me the worst person in the world. it's my life, my choice. do I wish he didn't have to be involved with it all? of course. have I told him to get away from me while he was still remotely together? several times. does he listen? of course not.
stubborness is probably the most frustrating thing in the world to me, you get told something to prevent yourself from being in a bad situation by the person who is likely to cause that situation for you and you insist on staying. obviously you don't want to leave the person you love yadda yadda yadda but there's a point in time where you have to protect yourself no matter what you lose. if I've learned anything over the past few years it's that a big part of life is loss, you lose friends, family, your youth, lovers, oppurtunities, yourself every couple of years, perspective but I'd rather lose all of those things and go through the motions of new friends or lovers again then lose myself and not be able to get it back.
I think a mistake a lot of people make, I've done it too, is make their relationship the center of their universe. if your relationship is the most important thing in your life that means your entire happiness depends on one person, my mom always told me I'll never be able to depend on anyone besides myself (which is true in the end). so what does everyone think is going to happen if you invest that much in another human being? obviously you're going to get let down, that's life - plus I think that's a lot of responsibility to put on one person. now that I'm reaching the end of my teenaged years I'm doing a lot of recapping, thinking over everything I've learned. these are the life lessons I'll pass on to my children, my niece and nephew when they need it. when my child's first heartbreak or first drift between a group of friends occurs and they look up at me to ask 'why?' I'll tell them:
1. don't depend on anyone but yourself
2. loss is a part of everyday, don't hold back ever just because you're afraid of being hurt. give everything your all because down the road you'll be glad you did
3. knowing who you are is more important that any friend or any lover, you'll go through friends and boyfriends/girlfriends constantly. in my opinion losing yourself is more painful then any break up, any fight with a bestfriend.

I'm beginning to realize I've made the mistake for a long time of making myself last priority, obviously it's good to be selfless and put your friends first, etc. but for me it went further then that. I took the expectations and influences created by the people around me and changed myself to fit what I thought that was, I ended up not doing a lot of things I wanted to, seeing a lot of places I wanted to see and experiencing a lot of oppurtunities at hand in general. I got away from home and had so many chances to do so many different things but I felt like it was me vs. the world and if I did the things I wanted to do, went against what someone thought I should do I would be left on my own. now I'm in Windsor doing the things I should've done when I wanted to do them, not out West experiencing the greatest times of my life. I feel like I let myself down and now I'm paying for it everyday that I'm here.
why can't I have these mindsets everyday? these things only come to me randomly in a day and I have that really long and deep livejournal entry. I need to think of something to do so I never forget what's most important. if I'm going to enter a career that mostly relies on my mind's expansion I can't just have these off days, I need to be like this constantly because people will be relying on me for it.

tired

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 07:02:36 GMT

I am so upside down

you better watch where you step

Fri, 10 Jul 2009 19:12:45 GMT

I'm feeling very giddy today, John's 20 now and I'm baking him a vegan cake! I'm worried that it won't turn out because they're apparantly really tricky to make because you can't use eggs (obv).
I've decided not to go back out West because I can do what I need to here, I just need to focus and keep in mind what's important. And I told John if either of us has to deal with Windsor we're going to do it together, maybe in a couple of years he'll want to move too :)

Peter's not too happy with my decision but he's being bias and it's understandable, etc. I just need to focus on myself.

I realized recently that if I had to choose between having one amazing friend and a few not so good friends where I don't really feel connected to them in any way, I would choose the one good friend. I could have John be the only person in my life forever and it would be euphoric. <--- new favourite word btw! and globophobia too, lol.
LOVE LIFE!

baby, I'm a statue try and knock me out

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 20:03:27 GMT

I feel a lot better today :)
John was pretty down earlier but I think we cheered each other up, oh sorry "alternative John aka misty fog."
Lastnight was fun, I sat at home all night alone but then I got some msg's on facebook from Brett. Amy broke up with him so I headed over to his house right away and he wasn't there so I came home only to find him talking to me on MSN, I was like "are you serrrrious? guess where I just came home from?" (even thought my MSN name said "BRETTS") and he was like "where?" and I was all "your house fool" he's all "come on now." LMFAO, fucking guy. And then he was like "wanna come back? :(" So I did and we watched Sex Drive which is a hilarious movie.
Then I came home and began the daily argument with Peter, he hurt my feelings so bad. He was asking me about what I've been so upset about and then I began to tell him and he yells at me "YOU ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE BIGGEST VICTIM, EVER." So I was like 'fuck that', I can't deal with him anymore. I want to break up with him today but he's working and then going to celebrate his birthday with the guys and I would feel bad if I ruined that for him and I can't do it tomorrow because it's his birthday... LOL. Ah well, he'll remember me for it.
I am the worst.
TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT! John's picking me up + we're having the sleepover of the yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar, I'm so excited :D

you got it, you got it some kind of magic

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 20:48:35 GMT

I decided to take a couple days, more if needed, away from the computer/facebook and spend some time bymyself. I've become too dependant on other people to be around me and I need to get used to being on my own, I think I might read the Twilight series over again.

This is a good thing.

and if the silence takes you then I hope it takes me too

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 17:57:58 GMT

I think this is somehow my own version of what guilt feels like, I was stupid to think I could get away with this without any consequence. I can't take it anymore, everytime I'm doing anything you pop up in my head out of nowhere. I try so hard not to talk to you but I just keep finding my way back to you, I can't picture my life without you in it but I think that would be best.
I find myself questioning my future with Peter lately, all things aside...
He's becoming kind of controlling, like when there's stuff I just want a friends opinion on he says things like "well I would imagine you would but after you tell me first" and it just makes me wonder if he's going to try and make himself my entire life. That's not what I want at all, my friends are the most important thing to me and I would never give them up for a guy. I'm starting to feel the weight of this decision and wonder if it's the right choice, being home really fucked me up. I'm asking myself if I would always see just him and no one else, if I could wake up next to him every single day for the rest of my life and be happier than the first time I did. I don't want to start our life together like I have and I don't want him to spend his life with someone who isn't sure. I don't know if it's just because I'm home but even then, he wants to go away for three years and I've promised to still love him when he gets back. How is there any way of knowing that? Look what I've done being home for not even a month, I don't think I'm fiancee or marriage material right now. I feel like we rushed into things and we're at too different of stages in our lives right now to want the same things, what did I do?

oh you know I'm no good at court ordered goodbyes

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 17:30:34 GMT

I've realized a couple of things in the past two days:
1) I give way too much in friendships, I'm always the one trying so hard to hangout with people and it always ends up in me being shrugged off + feeling unimportant and dissapointed. There's been a few people who I've done that to lately, they've wanted nothing more than to see me since I've been home + I'm focusing on the wrong people.
2) what the fuck was I thinking coming home?

I was talking to Ryan about it and we agreed that we both made a big mistake coming home, but we're glad we did because if we didn't we would probably still be in B.C thinking we should go home. I think the two of us are just constantly looking for change and Windsor made sense at the time.
I am glad I came home because I got to spend a lot of time with John and I like to think we've gotten a lot closer in the short time span I've been here, with our talks about where we are in life currently and our problems. It's nice to talk to someone that's just as unhappy and confused as you are half the time.
He's been such a big part of my life, I'm so glad he went through this transformation. He's so sensitive and open, saves me a lot of time trying to read his mind when he just comes out and says what he's thinking. Ugh I wish I could take him with me, I can't even begin to explain how unappealing the idea is of living in a city that he isn't in.
Everytime I gave going back any thought there was this feeling anchoring in my stomache, holding me back, and I think that was him. It's still there but I just don't think I can be here, my household is a complete wreck and it affects me every single day. Ever since I got back all my motivation was drained from me, why does Windsor have to be such a shitty place? I can't stand the routines and how I feel everyday. I've become so dependant on John, seeing him, he's the only person I really hangout with now and when he's busy I'm completely lost. I don't want to feel like that.
Fuck I hope this works.

I feel you most when I'm alone

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:10:10 GMT

SDLIKHFSDYFIWEHFKAS;NFSXKNCLKSMCPFRJ-EUSHAFKJSHDFCUISDGCUIDS!
am I seriously doing this right now? fml.

I had to take out my medusa lastnight because my lip was engulfing it, I'm so saaad about it. I really liked it! I think I'm just going to let it heal over and get Shaun to re do it though, with a longer shaft this time.

Jacki's coming over today, I want to work on my tan :)

all this shame, all this guilt, all this regret: that's me

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 19:56:58 GMT

I mention yesterday, not even a full 24 hours ago that I'm thinking over coming home and he calls me today asking if I've made up my mind. I don't understand why I'm the one that's expected to change my life around, my ambitions, my wants to come be with him. Is it like whoever has themselves most figured out gets to be the one to stay where they are?
Being with the person you love is nice and all but it's not a life, it's not a career. I'm not going to be a stay at home wife + move where ever he wants me to go while he's accomplishing his life's goals. Atleast when he said "I'd move to Windsor just to be with you" I was wholesome enough to say there's nothing here for you.

fuck the people

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 03:16:24 GMT

I'm so excited! I pierced my own medusa and I looove iiiiit. Plus I'm getting better and better at piercings :) Except it was fucking scary because I got like the head of the needle through and then I couldn't push it anymore, I don't know if the skin there is just really thick, but then I froze and was like 'sweet, I can't push or pull this needle out of my face.' Then I sucked it up and shoved that fucking thing through, second most painful piercing I've ever gotten !
I hungout with John today, went vegan grocery shopping with him. He was kind of in a bad mood when he first came over but eventually he warmed up, I really don't want to leave him here. I wish I could kidnap him or something and just be like "you're coming with me." I've talked to him about it already before and he said "I'm not your responsibility" + I know he's not my 'responsibility' but him being happy means a lot to me. I honestly wish I could just stay here, be happy and hangout with him 24/7 but I don't see myself being that happy here. He also told me "it doesn't matter what city you live in, it's what you make it" which I do agree with but fuck. I just don't feel like I can get myself going living here and I said the same thing in Van so what is there left to do? I'm starting to wonder if I should just pick a new place + move there, honestly. I couldn't make it in Van, I can't make it here. Or maaaybe I'm just not trying? Who knows.
I helped my sister hang up garage sale signs today, I have to wake up early and walk over to her house than bake in the sun all day at the garage sale. I swear to god if she has me there just to play with the kids I'm going to flip out, I can't deal with them lately.
contemplation
contemplating
compensation
condensation
contemplation
conjenmsnaoit
cntampleion

How I Miss Your Ranting, Do You Miss My All Time Lows?

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:48:13 GMT

It is so nice out today! My hangover is gone too, if it wasn't I would've probably layed in bed all defeated and shit today. My sister woke me up this morning (again), she's fucking sick. She's woken me up everyday that my parents have been gone, uuugh. But today she brought me a coffee so that's cool. . .
I'm having a fit of rage right now, haven't had one in a week or so. It's preeetty annoying, just sitting here minding my own business than in a flash of a second I want to murder the nearest person. (sigh)
Friday night was absolutely rediculous.
Allie came over, we talked, watched T.V. I decided "I'm drinking at 6, I don't care." Ended up drinking at 5:30PM, Allie bought a 1.75L bottle of Captain's. Then a few hours and some spilled drinks later, we light sparklers in the house, harass my cats, fall off our chairs, etc. Tried to coax John into coming over, he went to Andrew's so me and Allie just hung around the house. Around 9 or so Shaun and Char (kids too) "party crashed" us, we ended up drinking at the table with them til about 1. It was a lot of fun, I rarely get to hangout with them like that. Shaun went apeshit and wanted to do shots about every ten minutes. My stomache is churning just writing about all of this. Shaun had two brilliant ideas that night: 1) "let's play shot for shot", 2) "I'll give you a dollar if you eat this cat treat."
EDIT - I can hardly move or lean on my left arm now and I ended up eating eight. . .
He said a dollar a piece but gave me $4.55. cheapskate motherfucker
After they left I wandered over the the computer + talked to Nate, we met up with him and came back to the house. He was telling us about how Necropsy owes him money still for the recordings he did and we get the idea to go to Charlie's and handle the situation because Simon was there with Cam.
And somewhere around here I blacked out. .
EDIT (apparantlys) - drank some beer that I have no idea where it came from, I didn't order anything. Basically a Brennan reunion, slapped the shit out of like two people.
Regained awareness. .
We saw Latisha + Ryan, went skinny dipping, "I'm wearing my bra" "your tits are out", Nate and some random from Charlie's standing outside of my pool when I got out, walking over to them with a handtowel covering my body, being a complete asshole, showering, calling John at 3AM (sorry), harassing the shit out of anyone who made the mistake of being on my MSN list and online. Actually you didn't even have to be online, you could've been away or busy.
EDIT - it's a good thing I save my MSN conversations ;)
And than I made a huge mistake and ate the cheesiest grilled cheese in the world, which ended my night. I ended up seeking refuge on the bathroom floor, talking to Peter until 6AM, throwing up while thinking I was covering the phone properly, falling asleep and him listening to me snore while all along I thought we got off the phone and said our goodbyes.
NEXT DAY, ftw.
I woke up early in the morning, naked on the bathroom floor. Threw up allll morning, got a package in the mail <3, threw up, fell asleep again on the floor, at some point moved to my bed and dozed off while still being able to hear everything in the house, waking up completely to Sam Saby hovering over me (fuuuck yoooou lol). Then went for a bagel run to Tim Horton's and the rest of the day consisted of apologies, eating the house, watching T.V, being rediculous with Allie, more laying on the couch, power cleaning at 2AM, talking to Cory :], talking to Peter, falling asleep on the phone, reset.
I have an interview today for a make up artist position in a low budget indie movie being filmed in Windsor, it's kind of sketchy. I'm going to get someone to come with me that's for sure. The guy said if I wanted to, after I did some make up work I could take on a role in the movie which is fucking sweeeeeeeeeet.
Sam wants me to come to her Pirate Party, I want to go but I don't know if I'm up for it. Jacki wants to see me after she's done school and I haven't seen her yet since I've been home, which is making her pretty emotional. I want to see John really bad, god damn him.
During my conversation with Cory he offered to pay for my plane ticket to Van and said I could move back in with him until Peter and I moved in together, I think I'm going to do it. :( ?